Happy Brain Injury Awareness Month

First and Foremost Happy Brain Injury Awareness Month. I am roudly wearing my wrist bracelet.

As always I am continuing to talk and improve awareness of brain injury. I also am trying to find a way to get a national Brain Injury fund raising event started that is just for Brain Injury, however that's another blog entry for another day.

I have been pushing myself pretty hard, I have found a job and just working an 8 hour day pushes my cognitive limits. Physically I am ok, it's the mental of the day that just makes it nearly impossible to do anything else but work. I am often exausted by the time I come home and all I can think about is what I am doing the next day.

I have been trying to get involved socially, with friends and family, and continue with the brain injury world close to me. I am pushing my limits and recently had a pretty bad crash.

I have found that for me, prepping really hard for my day makes it go really well. Having the right gear, habits, co-workers and schedule makes a huge difference. I just have what I need when I need it. While this may sound like common sense, if you think of the things you will do today it get's very difficult to plan every single step from socks, to bus pass, to random events that can just happen.

The other day I had a few errands to do and I lost my bus pass along the way and that just screwed my perfectly planned day right up. Shut me down. I was cooked.

I am also playing with some help some medication. The first 5 years after my injury I did all the cognitive training things, I tried everything I could think of, suggested to me, seemed like a good idea at the time, no idea was to crazy to try, and I believe I reached the limit of what I could achieve.

I achieved allot. I mean I am walking and talking, I am able to work, I can live independently, however I still rely on a lot of "aids" from other people, electronics, strategies, nothing is organic anymore. Every though, every step is prepared, planned, and I am very rarely away from a helping hand. The idea of being able to have an truly independent day again is, well, a dream.

One of the things that has allawys kind of bugged me about some brain injury sights, books, speakers (not all but enough i need to mention it) is this idea that "I survived a brain injury and it was hard, but I have succeeded and life is great now" That to me is a load of shit.

Life is not great now, yes I survived, yes I am grateful, yes I am "successful" yet the reason for that is because I have learned to live with my disability. I have not fixed the issue. I have just "handled it". So I won't through a bunch of crap out there and pretend life is all gold lined potato chips ( I don't know what those are but I want one).

I went from earning a decent income to earning minimum wage. While I am happy I am working and that I can contribute to the household, it still leaves me one paycheck away from huge financial issues. This is not right.

So my next step is to start using "smart drugs" I am have been using stimulants (think of Ritalin and the like) I am also trying out Human Growth Hormones. The theory behind this is to increase the rate of new cell growth and pathway building in my body.

Now I need to put in a clause here. This is something I have chosen to do for myself. I am working very closely with two doctors and a neurologist. This is at the cutting edge of brain injury recovery stuff here. I have become my own advocate and done my own research and then taken these findings to truly educated people and experts in there field. I am closely monitored and don't do anything with a whole lot of "pro's and con's" and close discussion with my wife.

The stimulants have seemed to allow me to turn off the "flooding" allowing me to focus on one task at a time. I recently went two days without the stimulant do to my bad planning and scheduling my Dr's appt. I noticed within the second day that I had a massive anxiety attach, I got confused and got lost and things like finding my way to work were 10 times harder. I was checking and rechecking everything I did. I had not been like this for a couple of years. This was a huge sign to me.

I am more productive, individual, and can accomplish more things. It took trying several diffeent stiumlants and finding the right dose but over all I would say it has improved my cognitive skills. I can actually play a brain injury game and see a difference. That speaks volumes to me.

I am going to start taking Steroids, yup I am going to roids. However they are not so I can get huge in the gym. Its so that I can increase some of the essential chemicals that my glans no longer produce like they did before my brain injury. This will start tomorrow and I will keep you posted.

Check out this guy as well. Troys Run  Troy is a TBI survivor as well and is also running across Canada to raise awareness for TBI.

And please, please get in touch with Jodi Holmes Ginter. Jodi (and her boys) were a great part of my run. She has lot's of the Brain Injury braceletts she will send, so check out her facebook site, make a donation as I can attest the money goes to people who need it.

The movement is on people!! let's change the world. 

WOW was life ever easier when I all I had to was run and talk. Now I have to work!! I like my job. It's something that comes easy to me, I am outdoors, I get to deal with people and there is just enough excitement in it to make interesting without to demanding. My co workers are good and the location is good. The only issue is the pay is not great.

I will keep my eyes open for something a little more financialy secure but for now I am not just trying to budget the new work hours, between training and the gym.

I am trying hard to stay in the brain injury world. It is very close to my heart as well I as helping out those who are as confused as I was. If I can help anyone out to get through this life changing event I will do my best. It's just the right thing to do.

Short little run by temporallobe at Garmin Connect - Details

Short little run by temporallobe at Garmin Connect - Details

Nice and sunny out today. The air was a little windy with a nice smell of salt in it.

It felt so good to be out and moving again. I hit the gym after a short warm up. Feeling good I then decided to go for a brief little run.

I have had a sever chest cold the past 5 days or so on top of some other frustrations. Running always gives me clarity.

I wanted to express that one of the reasons I post is because this is how I feel. I am not going to be politically correct, I am not going try and soften the blow, I am not going to pretend things are ok when they are not.

I also know that a result of my brain damage my brain does not process emotions, sensations, thoughts, feelings, expressions in a way I can control. I am working on it. However I sustained a sever brain injury. This is not going to change because "I will it to".

Running across the country I met so many people who were facing similar situations that I was. As a survivor of a brain injury my defense mechanism on the confusion of ever day life and my inability to process like I used is to withdraw. If I feel that way, then others must as well.

However if I withdraw, if I step back, if I slow down, I will not move forward. It is a very slippery slope to fall within yourself. Justified or not.

So I share my experiences, my challenges, my thoughts, my failures and my successes because they are real to me. This is my reality. It is not the reality I wish I was, or the reality I want to be, it simply just is.

If I did not believe there was purpose, if I did not believe there was level off attainment I may reach, then I would be very worried.

I want others to know this as well. It's going to suck, it's going to be really hard, it is going to be unfair, and you are going to suffer unfairly. This is a reality. However there is optimism. I have seen it, I have felt it, I have achieved it. It's a fleeting thing optimism. It's a tease and it's constantly disappearing with the challenges we face. However it is attainable. Whatever that looks for you, or for me. I believe in that.

Doesn't take away the hurt, doesn't take away the frustration, doesn't take away the unfairness, but it is attainable.

Don't give up or give in, don't settle, and don't stop. Because someone else has it worse of than you, and no one deserves what we go through.

My First Float Tank Experience

My First Float Tank Experience

 

I had my first experience in a float tank (Isolation tank) yesterday. I have been on a bit of a search as of late to find new ways to “work out” my brain. I mean if I can run across the Country, if I can complete an Ironman, if I can bush my physical limits. What will happen if I push my cognitive limits?

I have worked out my brain with programs, from simple things like Sudoku, Rubik’s cubes, Luminosity and lots of other so called “memory enhancers”. Do they work? I don’t know I still have brain damage. I do believe in brain plasticity. (oh Google  “neuroplasticity and meditation”. There are allot of scientific studies on the changes to brain “wiring” with meditation”)

So this lead meditation research led me to Isolation tank. An isolation tank in a nutshell is a removal of all stimuli, so no sounds, no light, and no gravity. The idea is to remove all external stimuli and leave you in an ability to focus on the internal mind.

You sit in water that is filled with Epson salts so you “float” in the water. The water temperature is a little bit warmer than body temperature. With no outward stimulus you have no choice but focus on where your brain goes.

This is the first time I noticed I have a wringing in my ears. I am sometimes aware of this ringing when I am trying to sleep at 4 am and it’s very quiet. However I usually think it’s my location to electronics, or electrical devices or just the sound of the building we are in. It is not. I have a wringing in my ears. I was able to just say “hey I have a wringing in my ears” and see where that took me. I did notice that the wringing slowly went away.

As there is no pressure anywhere on the body, I was able to really relax. I felt some muscles literally relax. A point in my shoulder just “let go” like a when you realize your holding your fist super tight and you let it go. There was a kind of a pop and what I know is a “lactic acid” release and some blood flow. As I don’t have to focus on finding a comfortable position, a nightly hassle for me when I try to sleep because of the damage to my body, I found new things I was unaware off. What I mean is what is normally hurting seemed to be more a result of me avoiding something else hurting.

That was the physical experience of the float tank, a nice warm, snuggly, place to just float without pain. This allowed to me really focus on “where my brain went”. The first thing I noticed was that annoying ringing. A few minutes of exploring that and I noticed the volume of the wringing went down.

I then noticed I was kind of in and out of a dreamlike state. It was similar to when you are trying to fall asleep and you start to kind of day dream. I noticed my thoughts went to roughly the same place. I kept thinking about Mandy. I kept thinking about a place where she is calm, relaxed, not stressed, and secure.

We both had jobs that provided a sense of financial security so she had the freedom to explore whatever she wanted to. That is where my thoughts kept going. Various scenarios, day dreams, hallucinations, whatever you want to call them of Mandy being able to relax.

So I explored what that looked like and what I could do. That lead me to being relaxed, being unstressed, calming down a bit and finding a place where I am secure and comfortable.

Then a dog barked. I was unable to get back to where I was and I felt like I had had enough. I was in there for close to two hours and yet I felt it was about 15 minutes.

I took the bus home and was able to keep the thought and started to plant the seed of how to make that “lucid” dream possible. That is where I am now.

It was very interesting to go into the tank. The tank is a run by a private group so if you are interested and live in the lower mainland let me know. I will pass along the information. I am going to respect their privacy and not give out the name and location.

I have been doing allot of research on meditation and my understanding now is that meditation is pretty simply to live in the moment. Feel what you feel, notice the little subtle things. The feeling of your butt on the seat, the sound of the keyboard as you type, the smells in the air, all the little details. Don’t judge, assume, just notice and explore. Let it be what it is, notice your reaction to things, don’t act on the reaction, but recognize it and ask “that’s interesting, why do I respond that way”.

I may be wrong but that’s my understanding after reading a couple things online and getting part way through a book. The scientific research (credible scientific research, double blind studies etc) also state that there is a physical change in the neural actions in brain. This just means the electronic firing in the brain actually changes direction and there seems to be evidence of “gray matter’ being rebuild, or increased. Again I am not a scientist these are my opinions and my interpretation of the evidence. So keep in mind I have a brain injury and I am bias. I want to believe in this. I want this to be true.

Today I am out for a long run, and then some training for some martial arts. I will post on that experience tomorrow. I am now telling myself I have had enough coffee and I am exploring how that makes me feel. ;’)