Treadmill by temporallobe at Garmin Connect - Details

Treadmill by temporallobe at Garmin Connect - Details

I am not an athlete; I am not a rock star, or the relative of a famous person. I am no one. I am just a guy with a brain injury. Just like so many others.

I am trying to get people talking about brain injury. I am trying to get them to understand that I don’t want to be felt sorry for. I don’t want to be taken care off, I want to live.

I am so grateful for the brain surgery, to be alive. However I feel there is a disconnect after you are discharged from the hospital.

What I mean is that is suck that I shave off my head so that I don't get a weird look by a busdriver when I have my "special" bus pass. The huge scare and odd indent in my skull explains why an other wise normal looking person get's the same pass the elderly get or people who are in wheel chairs. I should not be looked down upon by a social service worker who doesnt see anything visually wrong with me. Instead I get this attitude of feeling judged and talked down to. "Why are you not working? What's wrong with you" I shouldnt have to explain one of the most horrific moments of my life to a different worker every time.

I understand now, why my grandma got pissed off at people who held a door open for her as she was in a wheel chair. I never understood that before. She didn’t need reminding of her inability. She was completely able. What she needed help was getting in her bed at night. No one was there for that. Where she truly needed assistance she was left on her own.


I was the guy who opened the door for my grandma to the bathroom, but would never think that she needed help getting on the toilet. She never said anything. Now I understand why. I should have been invested enough in her struggle and respectful enough of her needs to take the time to understand.

When I talk to the professionals about my needs I get lots of head shakes and understanding. However I never feel that anyone has a true understanding. I mean I never did. It took a brain injury for me to realize what a dick I was.


Where is the training for me to deal with the new me? Where is the help in teaching me how to react to this new world? How do I express that need? How do I get over the disconect? Thanks for saving my life. Thanks fore sending me home. Now what?


There is nothing special about me. There is nothing even unique about me. When I think of why I am doing this run, why I am pushing myself to such extreams. I ask this "What is my alternative? Not to be disabled?"


It takes everything I have to remember to put on shoes, to plan the run, take my water, set my training watch, and find my way back home. I am going out on my own. I have no mental map that guides me. I have no memory of where I am, or mental link to where I am going. This is a scary, huge thing. Just going for a normal run outside, on my own.


Life is frustrating when I can’t get simple words out; that I struggle with common words. It’s not funny that I can’t get the word “milk” out. I don't need to be smurked at by a cashier. It's not there fault. They just don't understand, where is the training for them? No one teachers you how to deal with that. No one teaches me how to deal with it either.

Today I am overwhelmed by what I am about to do. I am about to run across the country. How do I run that far every day? Can I even run every day? What If I can’t? What if I fail? What if I get nowhere? What if I disappoint the people that believe in me? I don't even make enough money to pay my credit card bill. How am I supposed to do this? I have a panic attack.

I tell those close to me, I can’t have any distraction. I need to put everything I am into this. I try to say that I am scared, I am unsure, I am trying to navigate in a deep fog. What comes out is in interpreted as me being demanding. I can’t do social events with them. “What about the movie, and mom’s birthday? Or are you just running?” They are disappointed. It shoes in there breath, there face, there gestures. They catch it quickly, sensitive to my needs and not wanting to make it hard.
They don’t mean to be passive aggressive. They are supportive of me. It’s a reminder to them of their own limitations, that they can’t fix me, they can’t make me better. We share a look of “fuck this sucks”.


I am choosing to focus on the run. I know what this means. To me and those close to me. Its a huge thing that is taking over my life. I just can’t do more than what I can do. I cry as I type this. I am so sad at this moment that all I can do is this run.

I don’t know why I feel the drive to do this, the risk of failure is huge, but I need to do this so that the next me, the next you, who goes through this, knows that they can do anything.

I mean shit; I am running a marathon a day across the country. Who does this? Someone who has nothing else to give.

I refuse to sit back and do nothing. I can’t hold a job, I failed at school. Everything I tried after my accident as ended in failure. But I can't fall into that trap of feeling sorry for myself. I know that will end up with me being just as disabled, alone, with nothing.

Fuck being angry at the world. Fuck thinking it’s unfair, I don’t care. I will do whatever I can do. I am not being altruistic. I am desperate. I am out of options.

So when I came in from my run I needed to get my thoughts out. It made me feel better. Maybe I am just selfish.