Bad Brain Day's after a Brain Injury

This is not a poor me blog post. This is my effort to describe the feelings and thoughts that I, as a person with a brain injury, go through. It’s not every day, in fact I have had better days lately than I do bad days; however the bad days seem to have more resonance.

When I first started my recovery after my accident everything was an accomplishment worthy of notice. I woke up, I spoke, and I remembered people’s names. I was able to cook, walk, and then I could drive. I went back to school and I went through a few jobs. I continued with speech pathology, physiotherapy, and psychology: you name it I did it. I got better mentally and I got better physically.

I ran a Marathon, then the Ironman, and now I am training to run across Canada. So on good days I understand that what I am doing is awesome. Not bad for a guy for who wasn’t expected to walk or talk again, so I am incredibly grateful and I take every day as a special gift. I want to live as much as I can. I want to push all aspects of myself to the limits of possibility.

Crossing the finish line of my first Marathon in Chicago was amazing. I was with my sister and I ran a marathon. I mean I did this. Brain injured and with no athletic ability, Dave just ran a freakin’ marathon in Chicago! It was amazing.

The sense of achievement was amazing. I went through so much since my accident. Dealing with insurance companies, dealing with social services, so many failures, so much lost, this was something that I did. I did it by myself. What an intoxicating feeling of accomplishment. I wanted more.

So I swam, I biked and I ran. Completing my first Triathlon (Olympic distance) I was now hooked on the high of accomplishment. I decided to try for the Ironman. Pushing myself to my mental and physical limits, while learning how to navigate through the world of work again, things were moving!

Not everything was easy; jobs came and went like friends did. Life, though, got a rhythm, an odd rhythm, but a rhythm none the same.

The completions of the Ironman literally made me feel, well, like an Ironman. I was then left with a metal, some memories I wouldn’t retain, and a sense of accomplishment, a big sense of accomplishment, but now what?

I can’t hold a job; I can’t retain information for school, yet I want to provide for myself and my family.

So I do what I know: I run. I finished the Goofy Challenge. I am pushing myself harder than people should push their bodies. People think it’s amazing, it’s not. It’s desperation. What else can I do?

I mean really, what else can I do? I tried so hard at school, I tried so hard to get back into society, and for the most part I have done more in my life since my accident than I did in my previous 30 years. Sometimes though, it isn’t enough.

It’s not enough when I watch my partner leave the house for her third job. It’s not enough when I watch her max her credit cards to pay for tuition. It’s not enough, when I am unable to do more than one task at once, i.e. train and work. It’s not enough when I am unable to work more than part-time, or require everything my body and brain has in order to do the simplest tasks.

Hell even sitting down to express how I feel right now takes everything I have. This is when it sucks. My partner would work a thousand jobs for me. That is not the issue. No one does more than she does. She is the epitome of putting me first, and never with a thought for herself; it’s just not in her.

What sucks is having the same epitome of putting her first but being unable to do so. In fact that is all I am going to say about that. I am unable to do things that the love of my life needs. It really sucks to be able to do so many things, except those that matter.

Today is a bad brain day.